Posted on MySpace on Monday, May 12th, 2008.
OK, so I have to say, my husband (and kids) tried very hard this year on Mother's Day weekend.
We went to brunch on Sunday morning with Michael's family at their country club in Washougal. The food was good and we had a nice time. Afterwards, we came home, put the kids down for naps, and Michael worked in the garden while I got in my pjs and vegged. How nice!! Then it was time to head out to my grandparents' house. Michael took his truck and I took the kids in my car; I worked extra from 19-0330 and would have to leave from my grandparents'. We headed out, turning right onto Main Street (going west). As I was carefully powdering my face, I looked up to see a BG motorcycle police officer sitting ahead of me on the right where the road become one lane from two, and also where they just lowered the speed limit from 50 to 40 mph. I saw him, saw my spedometer, saw his lights start to turn on, and pulled over right in front of him. Realizing my cell phone was sitting next to me and my makeup case in my lap, I hurried to cover the phone with my billfold and stash my makeup in the door. Just what he needs to see, right?
I rolled down my window as the policeman walked up, looked at him, and blurted out, "I know. I know. I know I was speeding. I know you just lowered the speed limit. I forgot. I know. I know I was speeding. Happy Mother's Day, right?" He leaned over and showed me his gun (not that kind of gun.....dirty minds), which displayed 57 mph. Nice! I was going 57 in a 40. How perfect is that?? I looked at him, then said, "So, what do you need? My license? Registration? Insurance?" Meanwhile, Amelia's in the backseat yelling, "Mom, why are we stopped? Where's dad? Why aren't we going?" And Wyatt is then trying to calm her by saying, "Sissy, be QUIET!! Mom's talking to someone, okay?" And Amelia replies, "I'm not talking to you, Wyatt, I'm talking to mom."
I gave the police officer my license and he kindly told me, "Ma'am, calm down. Just breathe." Breathe??!! What the hell??!! I just got pulled over for being a total idiot (on Mother's Day, none the less), and you are telling me to calm down. I was shaking so bad I could have made a martini (2 olives or 1?); hope you like ice. He then asked for my insurance and registration. I reached for the glovebox (hoping he would notice how nice my ass looks in my new jeans), took out the envelope I keep everything in, then pulled out my expired insurance card. Oh, great! Then I realized I had placed it in my Gwen Stefani CD one day (threw it in there as I was leaving the house, only because both were going to my car). I took the CD out of my center console, and the officer said, "That's a good CD." Ok, dude, you're like 55+. Anyway, then he asked, "You keep your insurance card in your CD case?" I replied, "I know, great place, huh? Probably not the best." He said, "No, that's a great idea. Never would have thought of that." Ok!!??
He then asked for my registration, to which I looked through everything and only had the one from last yeat. Oh, this is just getting better. I told him that it must be home in the safe. Again, nice place for stuff, right? Meanwhile, the kids are in the back seat fighting (as always), I'm shaking up my 5th martini (very dry), and this guy is telling me (over and over) to "calm down." I looked at him and said, "Oh, I bet my husband's driven past already and laughed." He replied, "I don't think he was laughing." "Oh, you're probably right," I said. No laughter there.
He then asked where I was going and I replied, "To my grandparents' house." He told me to calm down, drive safely there, and relax. I looked at him VERY seriously and said, "Relax? At MY grandmother's? There's no such thing. You CAN'T relax at her house. Everything revolves around her. The woman is so much to bear. Do you have a mother-in-law or grandma like that? Every holiday revolves around what SHE wants? Never takes into consideration anyone but herself." He told me, "No," then said, "Well, at least try to relax." I almost said, "If I were a drinker, I would have a stiff one when I get there (martini comes to mind, shaken, not stirred)," but thought twice about that one. He might wait for me and try to nail me for drinking and driving. That would look good on the record.
Well, he finally told me he was giving me a "stern warning," and to "drive careful and slow down." I told him, "Trust me, I will. I won't be speeding through here anymore." Then he asked me to buckle my seatbelt, and finally said, "Tell your grandmother Happy Mother's Day from Officer Moulkin." I guess that's nice? My grandmother (and the rest of my family) laughed her ass off at the story.
Thank goodness for tight jeans, obnoxious kids, and shaken martinis. Happy Mother's Day to me! Now I need to go redeem that facial Michael and the kids got me--pronto!!
