Username Post: wedding gift etiquette        (Topic#1581283)
_pink_glitter_hearts_
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_pink_glitter_hearts_

hello everyone! my friend is getting married in a few months and has a wedding shower this month. i am unable to attend due to my work schedule, but i will (hopefully) be attending the wedding. she is a close friend of mine, and i am either going to get her something off her registry or a gift card to a registered place. i am just not sure when to give her the gift...do i have it sent with someone going to the wedding shower? or do i wait until the day of the wedding to give her the gift? also, do i have to buy 2 gifts...one for the shower and one for the wedding? thanks.


 
Trina_P
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Trina_P
In response to _pink_glitter_hearts_

It has always been my understanding and experiences that they are "wedding gifts". Whether they are given at a shower or brought to the wedding. One or the other is all I would feel obligated to do. I would hold off if you cannot make it to the shower and see if you are going to be able to go to the wedding to give it to her in person. If not, make arrangements to send it to the wedding with someone.


 
scraprabbit
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scraprabbit
In response to Trina_P

I always thought that if you attend a shower, bring a gift. If you attend the wedding, bring a gift. If you don't attend a function, no gift is required. When I go to both a shower and wedding, I might do two smaller gifts than what I give if I just go to a wedding. That seems to be the norm in my area anyway.


 
Henri Jean
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Henri Jean
In response to scraprabbit

That is the way I've heard it too.

If you go to the wedding you take a gift. You only take a shower gift if you attend the shower. You can send something with a friend but usually at a shower the only gifts I've seen opened are the ones from the attendees.

The wedding gift can be delivered before the wedding but can be taken to the wedding too.

If you attend both, then I would think a nice wedding gift but just a small shower gift.


 
Mercy4Free
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Mercy4Free
In response to Henri Jean

Can you get together for lunch or something between the shower and wedding? Then perhaps you can treat her to lunch (or even just dessert somewhere) and give her the gift then.


 
t-scraps
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t-scraps
In response to Mercy4Free

One gift. Etiquette is that you actually have up to one year after the wedding to provide a gift.


 
_pink_glitter_hearts_
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_pink_glitter_hearts_
In response to t-scraps

thanks for the input! i'll get something off her registry (i can't believe how few items are left! lol) and give it to her at the wedding since i can't go the bridal shower. i didn't realize how unsure i was at bridal etiquette until becoming engaged myself. lol


 
scraprabbit
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scraprabbit
In response to _pink_glitter_hearts_

  • _pink_glitter_hearts_ Said:
thanks for the input! i'll get something off her registry (i can't believe how few items are left! lol) and give it to her at the wedding since i can't go the bridal shower. i didn't realize how unsure i was at bridal etiquette until becoming engaged myself. lol



It doesn't help that the rules seem to change all the time. I always thought it was rude to include registry info with wedding invitations (with shower invitations are ok). But it seems like every wedding invitation I get has this included, so maybe it's not considered rude anymore??? Or maybe just all of my younger friends/family are rude? That makes me sound old, but I'm not THAT old!


 
_pink_glitter_hearts_
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_pink_glitter_hearts_
In response to scraprabbit

in the past 7+ years (around the time i actually started to pay attention to it), almost every invite i got to a wedding, bridal shower, baby shower, etc had included registry info. during my first engagement back in 2004 (which thankfully ended before a wedding lol), i noticed all the books and articles said don't include registry info in an invite as it can be seen as tacky, and that word of mouth was more appropriate ONLY if someone asked. during my current engagement, i noticed the books say it's perfectly ok to include registry info. i wonder if it's the new norm myself?? a recent wedding i am attending for ANOTHER friend (lol, too many of us are getting married/having babies!) had her registries on her save the date card, shower invite, wedding invite, and wedding website. i was a bit surprised by that. another friend who recently married had no registry, but asked for money in place of gifts so they can go on a nice honeymoon...and had included that request on their invite. maybe times really are changing??


 
Henri Jean
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In response to _pink_glitter_hearts_

I got a baby shower invitation once - it said it was a virtual shower. The mother would be on the computer and open gifts and then post what each gift was but there would be no physical shower. Then it gave the date and time the mother was opening the gifts so you could look at a board and see when yours was open. Included was the baby registry info. Needless to say, that one went into the trash. She lived a mile from me but wanted gifts but offered no cake or anything? She just wanted people to send gifts.

The tackiest wedding invitation was so bad, I kept it.

A note was written out by hand, photocopied and placed in my wedding invitation and I'm sure it was in everyone else's invitation too.

It read (almost verbatim but its been a while)...

Since the bride and groom have been living together and have already set up traditional housekkeeping we have no need for traditional wedding gifts.

These are items we would really appreciate:

Jordan almonds - 3 pounds (catalong name and page)
A silver cutting knife engraved with out names and the catalog info.
10 yards white lace - catalog info
30 white candles - size and catalog info
$150 donation to pay for limo for bride and groom
cost of hotel for couple that night
paper plates for reception - catalog info
donation for wedding cake
50 bottles of bubbles for reception - catalog info
bridal veil and where to get it and what model #
Party mints - 5 pounds and Harry & David catalog page

The list went on and on and on. They were asking for everything they needed to have the wedding!

This was just a little weird to me.


 
Scrapbook Queen
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Scrapbook Queen
In response to Henri Jean

  • Henri Jean Said:
I got a baby shower invitation once - it said it was a virtual shower. The mother would be on the computer and open gifts and then post what each gift was but there would be no physical shower. Then it gave the date and time the mother was opening the gifts so you could look at a board and see when yours was open. Included was the baby registry info. Needless to say, that one went into the trash. She lived a mile from me but wanted gifts but offered no cake or anything? She just wanted people to send gifts.

The tackiest wedding invitation was so bad, I kept it.

A note was written out by hand, photocopied and placed in my wedding invitation and I'm sure it was in everyone else's invitation too.

It read (almost verbatim but its been a while)...

Since the bride and groom have been living together and have already set up traditional housekkeeping we have no need for traditional wedding gifts.

These are items we would really appreciate:

Jordan almonds - 3 pounds (catalong name and page)
A silver cutting knife engraved with out names and the catalog info.
10 yards white lace - catalog info
30 white candles - size and catalog info
$150 donation to pay for limo for bride and groom
cost of hotel for couple that night
paper plates for reception - catalog info
donation for wedding cake
50 bottles of bubbles for reception - catalog info
bridal veil and where to get it and what model #
Party mints - 5 pounds and Harry & David catalog page

The list went on and on and on. They were asking for everything they needed to have the wedding!

This was just a little weird to me.



Both of those situations are a bit odd! Maybe I can see where the second people were coming from but they probably could have gone about it a different way!!


 
m.perk
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In response to Scrapbook Queen

You only need to purchase one gift. If you take a gift to the shower, you don't need to take a gift to the wedding. I never send a gift if I dont go to either, but I normally send a congratulatory card to the couple.


 
scraprabbit
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scraprabbit
In response to m.perk

Henri - both of those things are horrible! A virtual shower? Really??? And actually listing out what they want with catalog numbers? Wow, ballsy.


 
madmatter
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madmatter
In response to scraprabbit

In my opinion, 2 invites = 2 gifts

If I am invited to a shower and I go I bring a gift
If I don't go to the shower I do NOT send a gift

However, I will send a gift for a wedding even if I cannot attend

so if I go to both, I've given two gifts


 
Henri Jean
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Henri Jean
In response to madmatter

Seems etiquette used to be so cut and dry - a way to do things and a way not to. You could purchase Emily Post's book of etiquette and it was all there.

Now there are so many changes and exceptions and opnions by the professionals who write the books. Things really are changing.

Some, but not all, for the better!



 
_pink_glitter_hearts_
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_pink_glitter_hearts_
In response to Henri Jean

yes, some changes are good...others not so much. when a friend's first son was born (he's now in pre-k) i sent a little package of clothes and toys. i talk to her on a regular basis so was surprised that she had not said "thanks" or even mentioned getting it in the mail. a few months down the line i decided to casually ask her if she gotten it (i assumed it was lost in the mail)...she said yes, but one of the bath toys did not float i guess she just got busy being a new mom, but still, a simple "thanks" would have been nice. lol
other friends are now just saying "thx" on my fb wall when i send them baby shower gifts, wedding gifts, etc. i was a bit shocked at that since i was always raised to send a thank you note within one month of getting a gift.


 
Henri Jean
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Henri Jean
In response to _pink_glitter_hearts_

My oldest son and his wife got married last year and now have a new daughter.

I want to die of embarrassment becuase every time I talk to my mother she brings up that she still hasn't received a thank you note for the wedding gift or the baby gift. She also tells me that my sister-in-law hasn't received a thank-you note.

One of my best girlfriends bought them a silver candle-holder set at an antique mall and I've heard it is lovely. She called me a month after she sent it to find out if they received it. John said, "Of course we did - we love it. It is sitting on the mantle." I was so mad - that was a year ago.

Now with the new baby my girlfriend has hand-knitted a sweater for her. I am hoping he will send a thank-you note before she has to call me to see if he got it. But past history says it isn't going to happen.

The wife seems to have no regard for common curtesies like saying thank you. I just don't get it.

I am embarrassed. I actually bought thank you notes and plan to put a note in each one thanking them for the gift and addressing them and then having them sign them and drop them in the mail.

THen I'm just hoping that no one I know ever gives them a gift again because I don't like the phone calls to see if he got them.


 
RedSquirrel
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In response to Henri Jean

I can't comment on showers because we don't do those in the UK. Or at least, maybe they have come in recently but I have never been to one. If I was invited to a wedding and couldn't go, I wouldn't send a gift unless it was close family or a close friend.

It still rankles that we DID send a gift from my cousin's registry when they had a destination wedding with nobody present, followed by a party when they got home, which we couldn't go to. And we never got a thank you or even an acknowledgement. That was 3 years ago and they've just split up.

It's amazing the resentment that builds up over that kind of silliness, isn't it? There's nothing like bad manners for causing resentment.


 
lifethroughalens
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In response to _pink_glitter_hearts_

  • _pink_glitter_hearts_ Said:
yes, some changes are good...others not so much. when a friend's first son was born (he's now in pre-k) i sent a little package of clothes and toys. i talk to her on a regular basis so was surprised that she had not said "thanks" or even mentioned getting it in the mail. a few months down the line i decided to casually ask her if she gotten it (i assumed it was lost in the mail)...she said yes, but one of the bath toys did not float i guess she just got busy being a new mom, but still, a simple "thanks" would have been nice. lol
other friends are now just saying "thx" on my fb wall when i send them baby shower gifts, wedding gifts, etc. i was a bit shocked at that since i was always raised to send a thank you note within one month of getting a gift.



My sister and I were too. I even looked up online as to how to send a thank you for a gift when it was given by a group. I guess that is why it bothers me when people don't do the same. But what can you do?


 
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