True story! The first part is terribly sad, but read all of it to get the funny part. My friend's parents were in a serious car accident and her dad was killed and her mom severely injured. My friend stayed with her mom in the hospital prior to her dad's funeral. She was putting her mom's false teeth in her mouth for her. As soon as she put them in her mom starting making funny faces and noises. She took the teeth out, looked at them and started laughing. She said "These are your DAD's teeth!" So, my friend started laughing and saying if you have Dad's teeth, then Dad must have yours! Turns out the funeral had already put the teeth in and stitched the mouth closed! They had to redo his mouth. But, I bet they had never a case like that before and probably never will again!
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"
"No, there is no one called Alf here." The person hangs up.
"That's irritation," says Dad
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time.
"No, there is no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of conversation.
"That's aggravation," says Dad
"Then what's frustration?" asks the son.
The father picks up the phone and dials the number a third time. "Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?"
OH gosh those are funny.. The pig one reminds me of high school. We used to have a sub in our school district named Richard Head. Every time he'd sub, he'd come in, introduce himself and give us the first few minutes of class time to get as many jokes out of our system as we could and then we weren't allowed to make any more once class started.
My hubs was in Afghanistan at the start of my son's 4th grade year (the one with autism). His teacher's name - Ms. BEAVERS... I was trying to tell hubs on the phone about meeting the teachers, and my son kept pointing out she had big red hair. (He's very visual). He kept saying it over and over in the background as i was talking to hubs, finally i was like "YES, yes.. FLAMING RED HEAD BEAVERS!" we get it.". yep, the conversation with hubs went downhill from there...
One of my friends gave me this the other day. He thought it was hilarious. I thought of this thread and decided to share it. Enjoy!
To my dearest friend who is farthest away from me. I have time because we ain’t busy. I thought I would write you a few lines (eight to ten pages) and let you know that up to the minute news about six months old.
We are all well as can be except for the condition we are in. We ain’t sick we just don’t feel well. Janet is dead. I hope this letter reaches you the same way.
I suppose you will want to hear about the moving to West Virginia and Polwood Holly farm. We never started moving until we left, never turned until we came to a crossroads. It didn’t take us any longer then from the time we started then from the time we left. The trip was the best time of all. If you ever come out to visit us, miss the trip.
They didn’t expect to see us until we got there. And most of the people we didn’t know seem like strangers to us. We still live in the same house we lived in last time which is beside our nearest neighbor across the road from the other side.
John says he thinks we’ll live here until we move on or go some other place.
We ate busy farming. We have three cows, but we sold one because we can’t milk him. Eggs are a good price. I guess that’s the reason they are so high. I sure hope we have a lot of them. We just bought 35 roosters and one old hen.
Some of the ground is so poor you can’t raise an umbrella on it. We have a fine crop of potatoes; some the size of nuts, some the size of a pea, and then a whole lot of smaller ones.
We also have a fine crop of corn. I think it will be five gallons an acre. Some worms got into the corn last year but we fished them out and rank it anyway. Last week Mary was taking the cows to water. When they went across the bridge, one fell through and strained her milk, now she gets hiccups once a day and churns her own butter.
The dog died last week. John says he swallowed a tape line and died by the inches. Mary said he went up the back alley and died by the yard, but June said he crawled under the bed and died by the foot.
My mother-in-law is sick and is at the death’s door. We sure hope the doctor can pull her through.
June fell of the back porch. It bruised her somewhat, and skinned her elsewhere.
Alice has mumps and is having a swell time. The baby swallowed a roll of film but we don’t think anything will develop.
Every time grandma has a toothache it starts hurting and it won’t stop until it quits aching. I would have sent you the five dollars I owe you but I already had the letter sealed before I thought of it. I did send you the coat but cut off the buttons so it won’t be too heavy. You will find them in the left pocket. We ran out of jelly so I sent John to New York for some traffic jam.
I put your address on the inside of the envelope so it won’t rub off. I must close for now if you don’t get this in time to read it let me know and I will mail it to you. It took me three days to write this letter because you sure are a slow reader.
If you can’t read my writing then make a copy of it yourself and read your own writing. Write me it it’s not a check.
I would like to describe our new house where everything is modern. We have a kitchen, a living room, a dining room, two bedrooms, and there’s a little room we just found last week. It has a thing in it that looks like to water the horse, it’s only fancier. Then there’s a thing about three feet high with hot and cold water. It wasn’t any good, because it had a hole in the bottom. It was to wash your face in. Then there was another thing over in the corner that was the best of all in the house. You could put one foot in and wash it all over then press a lever and you had clean water for the other foot. Grandpa went to take a drink and the lid fell down and hit him on the head. It had two lids and mom took the solid one off to roll her pie dough on it. And she framed Grandpa’s picture on the other one. And everybody said it looks as if he was sitting right there.
Don’t laugh too hard.
These stories are too funny! Thought I would share one. I spent several years training at my company. There was a new trainer and she was getting questions left and right about a concept/topic that we had covered and it wasn't moving the class along.
I should let you know I get all my sayings mixed up. I stepped in and said, "Ok, I think everyone understands this topic so let's not beat it with a dead horse." It got really quiet and then the entire class started laughing and I had no idea why until one of them told me the saying was, "beat a dead horse" not "beat IT with a dead horse." Oops!
You've reminded me of a similar thing. One of the girls in my office years ago used to get phrases wrong. One of my favourites was when she said "you should never smack a gift horse in the mouth." Bless.
It's so nice to hear of other people missing the mark on a phrase, I do it so often. Grew up with a Spanish speaking mother who spoke broken English most of the time, so I never heard very many sayings growing up.
Here is another story where I used the wrong word.
We were having a birthday afternoon tea, all dressed up in Victorian dresses and hats. I had a presentation to talk about Victorian fans and the language they spoke.
Touching the finger to the tip of the fan: “I wish to speak with you.
Half-opened fan pressed to the lips: “You may kiss me.”
That sort of thing... anyway..
When it came to this one... "And when you take your closed fan and threaten with it, you are letting him know that he is being imprudent.
Only thing... the word I used was "impotent". I got embarrassed but they loved it! LOL
Such hilarious posts! The innocence of kids is the most hilarious. I have one to share.
My sister was visiting a friend with my three year old nephew. Her friend was pregnant. My nephew walked up to the lady and patted her stomach and said "Mom what's this." meaning...who is the lady...sometimes instead of asking Who is this he asks what is this. The friend assuming he meant what is her stomach told him that "there is a baby in there." Later that night my nephew was cuddling with his daddy when he sat up, patted his daddy's belly, and said, "Daddy there's a baby in there."