Username Post: Do you believe in ....        (Topic#1588089)
Just G
Just G 
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Just G

OK i have a question:

I have lots of guy friends that have been around for years before my current relationship. I often go out to lunch/dinner with a guy friend(s) without my boyfriend. My boyfriend has said that he is not comfortable with this.

He wants to know how many married/women in committed relationships have plantonic friendships with men and are 'allowed' to go out to lunch/dinner without their husbands/signifcant others being present.

Additionally; He asked if women would feel the same if I Was the one with the problem. If I said i didnt agree to it would you all still say it's acceptable?


Can you have platonic relationships while married?
My DH/SO has no problem with me going out with male friends to lunch/dinner
My DH/SO would never go for it
I believe it's not right if you're in a committed relationship
You may choose multiple options.
Votes accepted from 05-14-13 07:00 PM to 05-16-14 03:00 PM.
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Edited by Just G on 05-15-13 04:02 PM. Reason for edit: No reason given.


 
cindy312
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cindy312
In response to Just G

I met my husband through ballroom dance- I was a dancer and he was our lighting designer. I am very close with several men who were my dance partners for years. Totally platonic. My husband has no problem with me spending time with any of them without him. He knows that he's welcome to join us if he wants. And I don't care if he goes out to lunch with a female friend, though I do appreciate being asked to go along or made to feel that I'd be welcome to join them.


 
chocolateaxel
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chocolateaxel
In response to cindy312

First off, my husband doesn't "allow" me to do anything, I am a US citizen thus I am a free person, I do what I please. That being said, I do have a number of male friends, strictly platonic, my husband knows all of them, and out of respect for him, I do consult with him before I go out with them for lunch, dinner or wherever. The key is that we respect and trust each other. i don't have any worries if he goes out with a platonic female friend, and he doesn't worry about me. In my opinion, a relationship is doomed unless each partner is secure enough within themselves to trust the other. Another kiss of death is when one partner tries to dictate to the other what is "allowed".


 
siameseplease
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siameseplease
In response to chocolateaxel

I'm a widow now, but when I was married, my husband would not have had a problem with it. We both had platonic friends of the opposite gender. To me, it's a matter of trust, respect, and security in your own relationship and self.


 
aquabunny
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aquabunny
In response to siameseplease

Yeah, I agree with chocolateaxel on this, the idea of one partner having to "be allowed", having to seek permission, is a huge red flag.


 
Kim222
Kim222 
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Kim222
In response to chocolateaxel

  • chocolateaxel Said:
First off, my husband doesn't "allow" me to do anything, I am a US citizen thus I am a free person, I do what I please. That being said, I do have a number of male friends, strictly platonic, my husband knows all of them, and out of respect for him, I do consult with him before I go out with them for lunch, dinner or wherever. The key is that we respect and trust each other. i don't have any worries if he goes out with a platonic female friend, and he doesn't worry about me. In my opinion, a relationship is doomed unless each partner is secure enough within themselves to trust the other. Another kiss of death is when one partner tries to dictate to the other what is "allowed".




What she said


 
Just G
Just G 
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Just G
In response to Kim222

Agreed. Red flag


 
chocolateaxel
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chocolateaxel
In response to Just G

I'm sure your bf is a perfectly nice man, but I really detest when someone tries to control me. Luckily my hubs knows this, and he is secure in the knowledge and trust that I'm a person absolutely true to my word, and I gave my word to him when we married. Good luck with your relationship!


 
Just G
Just G 
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Just G
In response to chocolateaxel

no it's been a sore subject because he travels on softball teams (sometimes i go and sometimes I can't) and i'm supposed to trust 100% but don't get that trust in return

I'm flattered that he finds me beautiful enough that every man is a threat...but I was married for 13 years and my ex husband never had an issue so I can't stay with someone who makes it an issue...

I have a very even mix of guy friends and female friends, married and single. I was always 'one of the boys' growing up and still am at 42.


He asked if women would feel the same if I Was the one with the problem. If I said i didnt agree to it would you all still say it's acceptable?


Edited by Just G on 05-15-13 04:01 PM. Reason for edit: No reason given.


 
cindy312
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cindy312
In response to Just G

  • Just G Said:


He asked if women would feel the same if I Was the one with the problem. If I said i didnt agree to it would you all still say it's acceptable?




Yes, it's still acceptable to me. My husband meets female friends (old college friends, former coworkers, etc) for lunch occasionally and it's not any different to me than when he meets male friends who happen to be old college friends or former coworkers. I have no reason to distrust him, he always tells me where he's going and with whom, and I know if I asked to join him, he'd say yes. (Not that I ever would, because I know I wouldn't enjoy chatting with two former coworkers who are reminiscing about stuff that doesn't involve me...)


 
aquabunny
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aquabunny
In response to Just G

Looking through the topic, I see where multiple people used words like "partner" and other gender-neutral phrasing, so I'm guessing the responses would still be the same regardless of the genders of the couple involved and the gender of the partner with trust issues.

Obviously - and I'm not saying that this is the case here, but as a hypothetical corollary to my blanket statement above - it would be a different matter (for EITHER gender) if the mis-trusted partner had an established pattern of infidelity against the other, but in that case I would also heavily question why the couple had remained together once distrust and infidelity had become such an obvious and divisive issue for them.


 
chocolateaxel
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chocolateaxel
In response to Just G

In my opinion, the answer is the same no matter which person objects to their spouse/partner having opposite sex friends. Either you trust each other or you don't. If there is no trust in a relationship then it isn't much of a relationship and is doomed before it starts. And if one person objects so strongly that the other person does stop seeing his/her platonic friends, resentment will begin to build and again, the kiss of death to a relationship.
You made the comment about being flattered that he finds you beautiful enough that every man is a threat, now I'm not saying you aren't beautiful, I've never seen you so can't comment on your looks, but is it that he finds you so beautiful thus thinking every man in the world wants you as well, or is it a control issue? How does he act in other situations? If he has controlling tendencies, how long before he dictates not only who you can see but where you can go, what you can wear, etc. Just a little food for thought.


 
Just G
Just G 
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Just G
In response to chocolateaxel

agreed with you 100% Chocolate and i've decided to step back for now. Hurts because we had alot of good things but I've never been told who I can and cannot hang out with and i see it as a control issue as well.


 
chocolateaxel
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chocolateaxel
In response to Just G

I'm really sorry! I know it hurts now, perhaps he will take this as a wake up call and make some adjustments to how he thinks and acts. If not, better to find out early before things turn ugly! Good luck!


 
scraprabbit
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scraprabbit
In response to chocolateaxel

Can I have platonic guy friends? Yes. Can I go out with them? Sure - I can do whatever the heck I want to do.

However, my husband (and I, to a lesser degree) thinks it's inappropriate to socially go out with someone of the opposite sex alone (ok in groups). He doesn't do it, so I respect him and I don't do it either. However, earlier in our relationship I did it off and on - he knew and said he didn't care. Not sure if he really didn't care, or if he just didn't want to voice his opinion and seem controlling. As it is right now, he's never told me I "couldn't" go out with a guy friend or even really asked me not to.


 
New Kid On the Block
Posts: 24
Joined: 04-12-14
In response to scraprabbit

I trusted my husband, I never used to have a problem with him seeing other females. But I was a fool.... I have now found out that he has been unfaithfull to me during several years with a lot of women. So from my experience: yes, it might work to have friends of the same gender as your partner. But it is also a risk and you put yourself in a situation where you might end up with feelings for someone else - no matter if it is "only" sexual attraction or somthing more.


 
southern lady
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southern lady
In response to Scrapprinsessan

My DH/SO has no problem with me going out with male friends to lunch/dinner

when my bestfriend that is a guy we usually go out just me and him. my husband always said he my other boyfriend lol


 
Just G
Just G 
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Just G
In response to southern lady

In Follow up we split up last Wednesday and I have moved back into my own apartment. Too much drama to list

But I read an article that said "don't ever put up with behavior from your partner that you wouldn't put up with from your best friend"

nuff said


 
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