Outside Journaling Reads: "Maybe Someday" and is repeated around the edge.
Journaling around the picture reads: a child will occupy this seat and fill the desk with all their little treasures and put stickers on the top
Journaling inside the mini-book reads:
In 2001, Dave & I decided it to have a baby. We were so excited! We started picking names. We started deciding where to put the nursery. A few weeks later, I found this wonderful little desk at a garage sale. Of course I brought it home. I was going to put stuffed animals in the seat initially, I then imagined our toddler coloring at the little desk. Eventually they would be doing homework at it. I had a future planned for the desk. I know that sounds odd, but it's true. I didn't know that it's future would involve sitting there unused. People either plan to have children or not to have children. They don't plan on not being able to have children. That's something you find out after you've already planned on being a parent. It's been almost 8 years since we started trying to have a baby. I have begun to accept that we are not going to have a child. I hope it is something I can come to terms with. Whenever this topic finally enters the back of my mind, something comes along to bring it right back to the front. The news will broadcast something about someone who has abused or even killed their children. These stories always break my heart. Intellectually I know that these people need help, but my heart is not able to recognize that. Then there are the people who question what kind of person I am because i don't have children. They assume I don't want children and judge me based on that. I don't understand why that is something for anyone else to judge. Yet they judge me based on this incorrect assumption and are kind enough to tell me their opinions. Then there are people that tell me everything they know about fertility options, infertility and adoption. We know about these things and these are decisions that are very personal and complicated. They are not guarantees. These decisions can only be made by Dave and myself. But rather than just informing me, they tell me what to do. When I say it's not something I want to talk about right now, they say "of course you want to talk about it." Then there are the stories of " I knew someone who gave up after 11 years of trying and two years later they had a baby." I do hope someday I am one of those people, but I can't put too much hope into that. I don't want to put myself into a position to be upset on a hope like that. My favorite question that has been asked is "are you doing it right?" I have tried the old wives tales. At this point all I can do is have faith that if we are meant to be parents, we will be. If you aren't ever parents, then it's not in God's plan. I will learn to come to terms with this at some point. Now though, there are days I feel inferior as a woman. I understand the difference between women with children and women without children. I accept that there will always be people that judge me for not being a mother. I still hope, but am not counting on anything. To those who have looked at my desk and said "since you can't use it..." No, you can't have it. I might need it someday, if not, at least it makes a good conversation speech.