I wanted to document a recent failed adoption so I created this layout. I believe in sharing my whole story, the good and the bad.
We are here.
It's been a little over two weeks since we sat side by side inside the trailblazer parked in a gas station in the middle of nowhere trying to swallow the words, "Call me, she has changed her mind".
The road towards adoption can be a messy one. It's vulnerability at it's finest.
It starts with a home study, an analysis of who you are, what you own, what your friends and family have to say about you and an inspection of your home. It continues on with building a profile, putting your whole life on eight pages of paper, bound in the center by staples but held together by your heart....and you wait....and pray....for someone in a circumstance that will not allow them to raise a little one to be drawn to you....who you are...what you are about...
and then it's the phone call that begins to change it all.
She picked you. Board a plane, come meet, come see if this is a match and where it will lead.
You hope, you pray.
You meet, nervousness on both sides of the table, hopeful we are enough. And then it all comes together and it's a match.... and then there are texts, and photos and hopes, and excitement, and baby shopping and plans and dreams.
and months of waiting....
and then hours of driving....
and four hours away you get these words, "Call me, she has changed her mind" and your world spins, so fast your not sure which way is up. So fast that you have no words. So fast that you doubt you can stand if you were to exit the car. There are times when adoption fails.
You quickly learn that in these circumstances there are no words.
You sit, you hold hands and you breathe, because that's all you can control. You breathe.
and then the days follow and you find that you are so unbelievably blessed to have the most amazing people in your corner. People who will say no words, just hug you. People who will text you "We are in this together". People who will tell you that there is a gift in it all, the ability to share this on the other side of a table someday with someone who is sitting in these shoes. Slowly they pick up the pieces of your heart and begin to help you weld it all back together.
You learn not to give space to the negative, and in the midst of it embrace the idea of beginning again.
and that's where we are.....
and even on the days when it rains in your heart you move forward, pray harder, hold onto each other and those around you a little tighter and breathe.
because right now, that's the only thing we can control.