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Cheers

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-Melissa-
February 11, 2007

This Is Moi (page 2)

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*warning* very personal...had to get it out!!!
Journaling reads:
"To most, I am happy, outgoing, funny, a wonderful mother, a great friend, etc, etc…which I am, every one of these things…but, how many really know me? Know why I am who I am today??

I began dating Chris when I was 26. We had dated 5 years prior to this, but only for a short time. For the first few months, our relationship was great, not perfect, but great. Until one day, when everything changed. Chris became very abusive towards me, both physically and mentally. I feared for my life on a daily basis. I lied to my family, my friends about why I had bruises all over me. I know they knew, maybe were just afraid to say anything? How many times can you possibly “fall down the steps” or “trip over your own two feet”? I feared for my life so much that I stayed, stayed in this hell that I was living. Maybe this was my payback for something, anything….I had no idea. I was told if I would leave that he would kill me. Was it a threat? Was it a promise? Who knows? It wasn’t something that I wanted to chance. So I stayed…

A few more months went by and I ended up pregnant. “What do I do now?” was my exact thought. He told me that he wanted no parts of the baby. That he would do whatever he had to to kill “the little bastard” in my stomach. And, believe you me, he tried. On more than one occasion. Fortunately, never succeeded.
I made the decision that I was 27 years of age and wasn’t about to give my baby, a part of me up, no matter what the outcome of our relationship would be. I decided I was going to keep “my baby” no matter what. I sure wouldn’t be the only woman to raise a child on her own.

Well, I made it through my pregnancy (not by his choice, by any means) and gave birth to Nicholas on December 25, 2001. Yes, on Christmas Day. I have never felt a greater love then when they first laid my baby on my chest after delivering him. It was an instant bond. Like I knew him forever. I remember singing “Happy Birthday” to him….

Part of me thinks Chris did try. Tried to become the man that I needed him to be and the father that he should be. He failed, he failed miserably.

I finally got the willpower, the strength to leave when Nicholas was 8 months old. It was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I was so scared. I didn’t know where to go (although, I have always had my family and friends supporting me 100%). I was so afraid of the unknown. I was constantly looking over my shoulder to see if he was behind me ready to take another swing.

Well, here we are 4 ½ years later. Chris signed away his rights to Nicholas when Nich was 13 months old. Some may say, “the poor little boy doesn’t have a Daddy.”…My reply to them would be, “poor little boy would have been if we would have stayed, he is much better off, trust me.” Who knows? Would “Daddy” have fatally injured Mommy in a fit of rage? Would “Daddy” eventually have started abusing Nicholas? There are so many unanswered questions. Questions that I couldn’t stick around to find the answers to out. Fortunately, I was strong enough to walk away. It hasn’t been the easiest 4 ½ years, but I wouldn’t do anything any different. I deserved more than the HELL I was living in. Above that, my little baby boy didn’t ask to be brought into such a life, he deserved so much more. It was up to me to give him that.

Nicholas gave me the strength to leave, to walk away, to have a second chance at life. I am so glad I understood his “unspoken words.” We are living a much, much better life because of it. I love my little boy with all of my heart, all that I am. He really is my “Christmas Angel.” I know now, as I knew then, he was meant to be. I am so fortunate that I made the decisions that I made.

I just hope that one day he understands. Understands why Mommy left Daddy…."



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