This is a LO I've been wanting to create for about 4 years, but just wasn't sure how I wanted to do it. For some reason yesterday it just came to me and I was inspired to get it done. I am pleased with the way it turned out. I'll be adding this LO to my son's album.____________________________Journaling Reads: My doctors told me after Claire was born that I would most likely not be able to get pregnant without going through fertility treatments again. That wasn’t something Keith or I wanted to do. For one thing it was too stressful, and for another it was too expensive. So, when I found out I was pregnant with our third child I was shocked. I had a miscarriage after Caitlyn was born and had some complications with that. Then we had to seek help from a fertility specialist for me to get pregnant and maintain my pregnancy with Claire so after a home pregnancy test confirmed I was pregnant, I called our endocrinologist in Indianapolis. He agreed that he should see me through the first trimester so I scheduled an appointment and went to see him. What we found out when we got there was even more shocking. Not only was I pregnant, but I was about 8 weeks pregnant which I never would have guessed. Even more shocking yet was the fact that I was pregnant with TWINS! Keith was dumbfounded and speechless. The examination further revealed that my progesterone level was dangerously low so I was put on a progesterone suppository as well as progesterone shots. All of this was taking a while to sink in but with each day my excitement at the prospect of being a new mommy again was growing. At my 11-week ultrasound we found out that Baby B no longer had a heartbeat. I was told that I would miscarry that baby and that my body would simply absorb it. There would be no bleeding or cramping or anything that is usually associated with a miscarriage. Again, I had a lot to absorb. This was beginning to be quite an emotional roller coaster for me. First I was shocked, then excited, then sad and then I felt guilty. I thought if I had just gone to the doctor sooner then I’d have known my progesterone level was too low and we could have saved our baby. Anyway, I was the exception to the rule and I did experience cramping and bleeding the very next day. This terrified me because I thought I was going to lose both babies. I went back to the doctor the next day for another ultrasound and was assured that “Baby A” had a strong heartbeat and was growing on schedule. “Baby A,” also known as Garrett, was indeed fine and is now a happy, healthy, rambunctious 3-and-a-half year old who makes me smile every day.
But I have never forgotten about his twin. I often think about the baby we never had a chance to meet and that I never had a chance to hold or sing to sleep. I wonder if Garrett would have had a twin brother or a twin sister. I wonder if they would have had their own little twin language and if they would have been alike or different. Every year on Garrett’s birthday I celebrate his life and I silently mourn for the baby I have never known.
In fact, almost every time I look at Garrett I have at least a fleeting thought of my other child. I believe God gave me a double gift in Garrett. When he was born I kept thinking there was something slightly odd about him. At first I couldn’t put my finger on it and then I noticed his ears didn’t look the same. At first I thought it was just something that would eventually go away, but it didn’t. At Garrett’s 6 month well baby check-up I asked his doctor about his ears. Our doctor confirmed what I had been thinking. Our son has two genetically different ears. They are not the same size or shape. Fortunately, no one ever notices this imperfection unless I point it out to them, but it is definitely there. In my heart I believe God gave Garrett one of his twin’s ears. That may sound ridiculous to some, but I’ve never actually seen another person or child with two genetically different ears. I think it was God’s way of allowing me (and Garrett) to keep his twin near our hearts and in our minds. Someday I WILL have the opportunity to know my little baby boy or girl and my heart will sing with gladness. It is something I am looking forward to and it will fill a void I will have lived with most of my life. In the meantime, I love and cherish my children who are living and wait with great expectation for the moment that my fourth child is resting peacefully in my arms. I take solace in the fact that for now my baby is safe in the loving arms of our eternal Father.
Someday my little one, you will know my heart and how much I have always loved you.