Well this sure snowballed.... I started out thinking I would make a pretty page with that one quote and then I decided to make a short bit of journaling to Piper and I just couldn't stop myself.. it all poured out.. I didn't stop, reconsider or think I just typed and this is honest and open to Piper as I can get. I hope she reads this someday and learns something about me. I know its pretty personal but I have always felt such acceptance here so thank you for looking and listening to me.
Journaling- I heard a quote once from Naomi Watts that said "A mother who radiates self-love and self-acceptance actually vaccinates her daughter against low self-esteem." And I had to rush to write it down. I want to do this for you so badly. My mother had very low self esteem and until a few years ago I had great self esteem. I swore that I would rather fake it until I felt than be one of those women who whined and complained about not being good enough and settling in all facets in their lives. Settling into the jeans they wish they didn't fit into. Settling for less than the perfect man. Settling for a career that makes them want to leap out of the window. Settling for friends who bring them down. Its funny that after all the preaching I did about this as soon as I have a daughter my self esteem takes a major dive. After the kind of childhood I had I either had to believe in myself or no one would. It would have been so easy for me to become no one. Every time I drive in downtown eastside Vancouver I think about the girls I see on the street and wonder what separates us. If you asked them how they got there they would tell you stories of bad parents, foster homes, terrible accounts of abuse and being pushed out on their own in their early teens. But I can tell you the same story. In many cases my story would shock a lot of girls on the street. When people hear my story they always say the same thing "how did you turn out so normal" and I always say the same thing in return "I chose to". That is why girls from the best families in the world can turn out so desperately. It's not about what someone else gives you or sees in you (although in many cases it helps) It's about what you see in yourself. I always said that my life was the perfect demonstration of the power of self worth. I always believed from the time I was very young that I was worth a lot. Even to the point of often being called a snob. I think it started when I was only 5 years old and I prayed for the car to start so we could escape before my dad came home to find my mother trying to leave him again. He had been paroled again and I at 5 knew if we didn't get out of our house we might not leave alive. I plopped to my knees right there and prayed that the car would start and I had no doubt that it would either. Sure enough it started and I thought of course it did, I am worth something to God. Why wouldn't he listen to me? At least as far as I can tell that was the start of me believing in myself. Now as an adult I look back at times in my life when I can clearly see my winding path. I see the times when I was offered drugs and said no. Times a foster sister would beg me to come with her while she prostituted just for "back up" and I said no. Times when people around me said I wasn't good enough for college. Times people said it was OK if I didn't finish school everyone would understand. I never even heard these things I was to busy trying to look like I was already the someone I wanted to be. Someone who was worth everyone believing she should succeed. I had a mother who always thought she was worth less and although she academically succeeded in life and came from an excellent home she always told me how little she was worth. I was determined not to believe that of myself, the fact that she felt that way about me as well didn't matter. So I can tell you how much I believe in you. I can tell you how beautiful and smart you are. But unless you believe that about yourself it won't make a difference in the world. And unless I believe that about myself you won't get the chance you deserve. I want to vaccinate you from self doubt and self loathing. I will change my vocabulary. I will change my attitude. I will fake it till I feel it. I will remember my self worth. Just as you are worthy of everything this world has I am too. To love you I have to love me first. And I love you enough to do that.