"Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants.
Kevin James

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
Erma Bombeck

It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with gourmet status.
Russell Baker

Coexistence... what the farmer does with the turkey - until Thanksgiving.
Mike Connolly

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
Rita Rudner

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Jon Stewart"