Username Post: Is this the norm? Ettiquite question!        (Topic#1581279)
Als_Gal
Guru
Posts: 2710
Joined: 01-06-05
Als_Gal

A cousin sent me a message asking if we were going to be able to attend my Aunt and Uncles 50th wedding Anniversary party in November. I asked what was the date she said the 17th I apologized and had to decline because November is a busy month well she then asked if I had her address to send my donation for the party. I was shocked she then proceeded to tell me that she was expecting at least 150 from Al and I then 130 from each of the kids. I didn't know how to reply kinda shocked that she expects a donation. I called my Mom to ask her if she was going so I could at least send a gift she said they weren't going either due to a wedding out of the town the weekend before. Since that coversation I got a call from the Caterer wanting my credit card information cause the cousin told her I was paying for the food I had to tell her that she was mistaken cause I wasn't paying for food. Well that let off a hail storm of emails now I am being bombarded with calls texts and emails calling me all sorts of names. How do you handle this?


 
GMFTS
GMFTS 
Governor
Posts: 16659
Joined: 02-09-08
GMFTS
  • GMFTS on 10-01-12 10:00 AM
In response to Als_Gal

Seriously?
How close are you/have you been to this aunt and uncle and cousins?

Sounds pretty outrageous to me. IMO you did the right thing to not pay anything and I would go ahead and send a gift to your aunt and uncle directly. As to the fallout: ignore it. Someone that brazen isn't going to be swayed by anything you are going to say.


 
Doreena
Governor
Posts: 20535
Joined: 11-20-05
Doreena
In response to GMFTS

That is outrageous! Donations are just that "donations" not requirements.
I would tell them to "F" -off and not read/respond to any of their texts/e-mail/phone calls!


 
pugs223
Idol
Posts: 3952
Joined: 06-24-10
pugs223
In response to GMFTS

Wow. Is the cousin the child of the aunt & uncle? Not that it matters because this situation breaks every rule in the etiquette handbook.

Blackhole everything, no reponse. Try not to let it get to you. You're not planning the party and no one tells anyone what to give for a gift or "donation."

I have no words for the caterer aspect of this story.

Wow, just wow


 
Als_Gal
Guru
Posts: 2710
Joined: 01-06-05
Als_Gal
In response to pugs223

I havent seen them in over 10 years. I dont like this cousin at all thinks she is better then everyone else. I sent a nice email explaining why we can't make. She responds back with now my Aunt is in tears over this issue. To darn bad not my fault they didnt plan better .


 
stick
stick 
Mayor
Posts: 13376
Joined: 05-01-09
stick
  • stick on 10-01-12 11:23 AM
In response to Als_Gal

Wow, what unbelievably bad manners!! So sorry you have to deal with it.


 
lifethroughalens
Veteran
Posts: 427
Joined: 08-16-10
lifethroughalens
In response to stick

WOW! How tacky is that. Like the others say, I would let it go too. Probably not worth the worry time, especially if you already have a plate full.


 
cindy312
Diva
Posts: 5538
Joined: 01-08-06
cindy312
In response to lifethroughalens

That is crazy. Good for you for handling it politely and with grace and not allowing yourself to be bullied.


 
SmartyPants
Diva
Posts: 6077
Joined: 09-14-05
SmartyPants
In response to lifethroughalens

WOW - this is one story for the books - I am sorry that you are going through this.

I agree - you weren't part of the "Planning Committee" so you are not required or expected by any means to contribute to the party. If you had been and had discussed it - then perhaps yes - but in this case . . . NO!!!

Sounds to me that you are not that close with your Aunt and Uncle - they should understand - at least I would hope!!

I would personally send a note directly to your Aunt and Uncle explaining your sadness for not being able to attend and leave it at that. You could explain to them that you were unaware of any of the planning for this party - you never know that your cousin has said to them (not that it really matters - but to at least give your side of the story). They may not even know - that is my guess!!

good luck and many hugs!!!


 
SmartyPants
Diva
Posts: 6077
Joined: 09-14-05
SmartyPants
In response to SmartyPants

oh yeah - did your mom receive the same phone call with a request for a donation??? just curious. Is this Aunt/Uncle related to your mom or dad?? Now I'm curious!! sorry!


 
Henri Jean
Queen
Posts: 40615
Joined: 04-25-09
Henri Jean
In response to SmartyPants

If you want to send your aunt and uncle a gift, then send it to them with a note that you are sorry you cannot attend the party.

Or just send them a nice anniversary card and tell them you are sorry to miss the celebration.

I don't think you should give anyone a dime! How dare they say you owe money and your kids own money. No way!

And I think I would block this cousin from email, facebook, texting - whatever you can block her from - you shouldn't have to deal with them. Or if you can't block them, just delete - don't even open.


 
Trina_P
Guru
Posts: 2510
Joined: 06-30-05
Trina_P
In response to Henri Jean

I have my doubts your aunt was "in tears" like she may have wanted you to believe. Trying to put a guit trip on ya sounds like.

Whole deal just sounds outrageously wrong! You are doing the right thing. I know it would stress me to be in that kind of predicament but try to not let it get to you too much.


 
scraprabbit
Queen
Posts: 35101
Joined: 06-28-03
scraprabbit
In response to Trina_P

Wow, that's crazy! Everything about that situation is rude!


 
Henri Jean
Queen
Posts: 40615
Joined: 04-25-09
Henri Jean
In response to scraprabbit

If you haven't seen this aunt and uncle in about 10 years - its very strange that she would be in tears.


 
Als_Gal
Guru
Posts: 2710
Joined: 01-06-05
Als_Gal
In response to SmartyPants

  • SmartyPants Said:
oh yeah - did your mom receive the same phone call with a request for a donation??? just curious. Is this Aunt/Uncle related to your mom or dad?? Now I'm curious!! sorry!




This is my Dads older brother, cousin talked to mom over fb because she doesn't have moms new number. My sisters all got the same message but I was the only one to get the call from the caterer seems that the cousin told my sisters I agreed to pay for catering I said NO I nnever agreed to that. I have my huge Winter Wonderland Extravaganza coming up and they know I am working hard on that. They all think it is crazy that she thinks we should donate to the party. My parents did their big 45th last year and didn't ask for a cent.


 
Luvmyfam
Governor
Posts: 22929
Joined: 12-30-05
Luvmyfam
In response to Als_Gal

That's many levels of crazy. I don't think you owe her an explanation whatsoever. A simple, "I am unable to attend" should suffice. Follow that up with a 50th anniversary card to the couple and be done with it.


 
Debbie2006
Resident
Posts: 130
Joined: 12-31-05
Debbie2006
In response to Luvmyfam

IMO thats just tacky rude and wrong. Stand your ground and I am so sorry you have to deal with that. Next thing the cousin will do is charge admission to the celebration!


 
ScrappyMama6
Mayor
Posts: 10307
Joined: 06-28-10
ScrappyMama6
In response to Doreena

  • Doreena Said:
That is outrageous! Donations are just that "donations" not requirements.
I would tell them to "F" -off and not read/respond to any of their texts/e-mail/phone calls!






THIS. They can go pound sand where the sun don't shine.

Not only don't pay, don't attend. Send a gift. Life's too short to deal with arseholes like that, even if they are family arseholes.


 
t-scraps
Expert
Posts: 1081
Joined: 03-08-11
t-scraps
In response to ScrappyMama6

Rude, tacky and disrespectful. Block your cousin.


 
_pink_glitter_hearts_
Guru
Posts: 2274
Joined: 12-26-07
_pink_glitter_hearts_
In response to t-scraps

i think it's rude and tacky of your cousin and you handled yourself very well by standing your ground.


 
RedSquirrel UK
Diva
Posts: 7583
Joined: 05-09-09
RedSquirrel UK
In response to _pink_glitter_hearts_

My mouth is still hanging open at the bare-faced cheek of it. I would want very much to put my side of it to my aunt, so I didn't get tarred with the fall-out from your cousin's staggering behaviour. But I think it's best to let sleeping (female) dogs lie, and keep well out of it. That is all kinds of crazy.

I would send a card, a gift if you wish, and let it go at that.


 
Resident
Posts: 240
Joined: 12-31-11
In response to _pink_glitter_hearts_

WOW!! This is all kinds of wrong!!! The part about the caterer, makes ME crazy mad. This starts wit hthe fact they didn't send invitations all the way t obeing mad becouse you are not going! ICK.!
YEs good for you for not backing down on this.


 
Unique scrapper
Veteran
Posts: 460
Joined: 12-30-08
Unique scrapper
In response to Laura40

I would ignore the whole situation. It is totally out of control and you should not fret over any of the craziness. You are in the right.
Reminds me, today, the generator company was supposed to come to fix the mother board of the generator that was just put in and is still not paid for.. The boss calls at 2:30 to say the worker is leaving now to come to my place. OK. Good, Well, it is raining all day today. So, the owner of the company asks me if I have a big umbrella. I say, "yes" He says good and he wants to know if I (yes, ME) can go outside and hold the umbrella over the workman. I ask him if he is serious. He says yes. I told him NO I am not going to stand in the rain holding an umbrella over his worker and that he should send 2 men to do the job. They are now coming on Thursday if it is not raining. The NERVE!


 
Als_Gal
Guru
Posts: 2710
Joined: 01-06-05
Als_Gal
In response to Unique scrapper

  • Unique scrapper Said:
I would ignore the whole situation. It is totally out of control and you should not fret over any of the craziness. You are in the right.
Reminds me, today, the generator company was supposed to come to fix the mother board of the generator that was just put in and is still not paid for.. The boss calls at 2:30 to say the worker is leaving now to come to my place. OK. Good, Well, it is raining all day today. So, the owner of the company asks me if I have a big umbrella. I say, "yes" He says good and he wants to know if I (yes, ME) can go outside and hold the umbrella over the workman. I ask him if he is serious. He says yes. I told him NO I am not going to stand in the rain holding an umbrella over his worker and that he should send 2 men to do the job. They are now coming on Thursday if it is not raining. The NERVE!





RIDICULOUS!! How dare he think you would do that lolol


 
Als_Gal
Guru
Posts: 2710
Joined: 01-06-05
Als_Gal
In response to Als_Gal

News of the day: Party has been cancelled and it was posted all over FB, I had so many inbox messages about it found out she told the a few cousins that I backed out at the last minute therefore since they were planning on my paying for the catering they had to cancel the event due to fact that they cant afford to feed 350 guests and it is unfair that they come to a party and not get fed. LOL


 
scraprabbit
Queen
Posts: 35101
Joined: 06-28-03
scraprabbit
In response to Als_Gal

You've got to be kidding. I'm laughing at the insanity of it all.


 
Als_Gal
Guru
Posts: 2710
Joined: 01-06-05
Als_Gal
In response to scraprabbit

  • scraprabbit Said:
You've got to be kidding. I'm laughing at the insanity of it all.




I wish I was, I told cousin to get a job and quit expecting others to foot the bill for her lol She called my sisters crying about me being so rude and that my poor Aunt is in hysterics over it. They told her well what do you expect Kim to do? she said pay for the caterer and quit being a tightwad she has a man have him pay. I didn't ask you girls because I know your single ladies and I didn't think it was fair for you to pay so much but she has a man and he can foot the bill. If he wants to be a member of this family he should know thats how things are done you get told to pay and you do it or else no one will ever talk to you again! lol


 
ScrappyMama6
Mayor
Posts: 10307
Joined: 06-28-10
ScrappyMama6
In response to Als_Gal

The sad thing is, Im sure the couple would have loved a prty, a gathering of friends and family. Not necessarily a big shindig and bickering!

It could have been intimate and scaled down and made simple if everyone had agreed to bring a dish or desserts or drinks, and gifts for the couple as they chose.

Instead it got ruined by assumptions and greed.

Send a gift if you wish and be glad its over. What a mess.


 
SmartyPants
Diva
Posts: 6077
Joined: 09-14-05
SmartyPants
In response to ScrappyMama6

wow - I am sure that the truth will be seen by your family!! I would NOT feel guilty about it all. you did absolutely nothing wrong!! Hold you head up high!!!
good luck!!


 
Henri Jean
Queen
Posts: 40615
Joined: 04-25-09
Henri Jean
In response to SmartyPants

The fact that you "have a man" so he can pay --- that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

I "have a man" too but he is not expected to pay for things my family decides to do. I've never heard of such a thing.


 
Manda_K
Queen
Posts: 45914
Joined: 09-30-04
Manda_K
In response to Als_Gal

  • Als_Gal Said:
  • scraprabbit Said:
You've got to be kidding. I'm laughing at the insanity of it all.




I wish I was, I told cousin to get a job and quit expecting others to foot the bill for her lol She called my sisters crying about me being so rude and that my poor Aunt is in hysterics over it. They told her well what do you expect Kim to do? she said pay for the caterer and quit being a tightwad she has a man have him pay. I didn't ask you girls because I know your single ladies and I didn't think it was fair for you to pay so much but she has a man and he can foot the bill. If he wants to be a member of this family he should know thats how things are done you get told to pay and you do it or else no one will ever talk to you again! lol



That is one of the CRAZIEST things I have ever heard!! WHAT??!! Your family has nerve!


 
RedSquirrel UK
Diva
Posts: 7583
Joined: 05-09-09
RedSquirrel UK
In response to Manda_K

Unbelievable. Your cousin is living on a different planet from the rest of us. This is just Jerry Springer material. You should ring him, he'd have her and her craziness on the show and maybe that would pay her bills.

Oh and DH's comment was whether your cousin is single? Because he can't imagine she'd keep a man once he found out about that attitude.


 
Als_Gal
Guru
Posts: 2710
Joined: 01-06-05
Als_Gal
In response to RedSquirrel UK

  • RedSquirrel Said:
Unbelievable. Your cousin is living on a different planet from the rest of us. This is just Jerry Springer material. You should ring him, he'd have her and her craziness on the show and maybe that would pay her bills.

Oh and DH's comment was whether your cousin is single? Because he can't imagine she'd keep a man once he found out about that attitude.




Even better no man wants her so she found a girlfriend to put up with her BS lol


 
GIGIGI30
Expert
Posts: 1198
Joined: 01-18-12
GIGIGI30
In response to Als_Gal

WOW...That's some bull!!

What kind of family member "expect" you and your kids to pay or ultimately pay for a catering bill without notice? You invite people to an event or celebration with the assumption they'll be there to enjoy the moment with you and if they're willing to give you something in return, it's up to them. At least, that's my humble opinion. You plan ahead, and if you can't afford to pay for your own stuff, you just don't do it. Plain and simple. You don't call people (whether family or not) to ask them for money, donation or else. If I was you, I'll tell them to beat it....a***es!!!


 
Expert
Posts: 900
Joined: 02-25-11
In response to _pink_glitter_hearts_

wow...just wow...I cant even believe this story! How ridiculous that they would think you would pay for the food for the party!
And catered to boot!


 
Bxr-Linda
Mayor
Posts: 14615
Joined: 05-12-03
Bxr-Linda
In response to deedee49

Because this is SO bizarre and unbelievable, I have to ask...


Did you *possibly* (perhaps unintentionally) give some indication that you would pay for some of the party expense?

Maybe a year ago, "we're planning a party for Aunt and Uncle X, would you help out?"

"Yeah, sure, let me know..."

You forget about it. Now their way of letting you know is that YOU're paying for the caterer?




I just have to play devil's advocate here...


 
Bxr-Linda
Mayor
Posts: 14615
Joined: 05-12-03
Bxr-Linda
In response to GIGIGI30

  • GIGIGI30 Said:
WOW...That's some bull!!

What kind of family member "expect" you and your kids to pay or ultimately pay for a catering bill without notice? You invite people to an event or celebration with the assumption they'll be there to enjoy the moment with you and if they're willing to give you something in return, it's up to them. At least, that's my humble opinion. You plan ahead, and if you can't afford to pay for your own stuff, you just don't do it. Plain and simple. You don't call people (whether family or not) to ask them for money, donation or else. If I was you, I'll tell them to beat it....a***es!!!




I totally agree!
You throw the kind of party you can afford!!


 
kelseymel
Idol
Posts: 4722
Joined: 10-11-05
kelseymel
In response to Als_Gal

  • Als_Gal Said:

Even better no man wants her so she found a girlfriend to put up with her BS lol



What?


 
Mississippi Queen
Diva
Posts: 5349
Joined: 02-05-08
Mississippi Queen
In response to _pink_glitter_hearts_

I have heard of tacky behavior, but this tops it all. I think you handled it beautifullyand I would ignore any and all attempts to convince you otherwise.


 
Als_Gal
Guru
Posts: 2710
Joined: 01-06-05
Als_Gal
In response to kelseymel

  • kelseymel Said:
  • Als_Gal Said:

Even better no man wants her so she found a girlfriend to put up with her BS lol



What?





She has a girlfriend no man would want her 350 lb butt.


 
Als_Gal
Guru
Posts: 2710
Joined: 01-06-05
Als_Gal
In response to Bxr-Linda

  • Bxr-Linda Said:
Because this is SO bizarre and unbelievable, I have to ask...


Did you *possibly* (perhaps unintentionally) give some indication that you would pay for some of the party expense?

Maybe a year ago, "we're planning a party for Aunt and Uncle X, would you help out?"

"Yeah, sure, let me know..."

You forget about it. Now their way of letting you know is that YOU're paying for the caterer?




I just have to play devil's advocate here...




Linda we just found out about this party 3 weeks ago and we found out on FB she posted about it then the messages started


 
madmatter
Diva
Posts: 9160
Joined: 12-19-08
madmatter
In response to Als_Gal

  • Als_Gal Said:
  • kelseymel Said:
  • Als_Gal Said:

Even better no man wants her so she found a girlfriend to put up with her BS lol



What?





She has a girlfriend no man would want her 350 lb butt.



Kim ... I'm sure you didn't mean this the way it sounds, but this statement comes across as very offensive ... if someone is a lesbian, it's not because "no man would want her", it's because that's her sexual preference


 
ScrappyMama6
Mayor
Posts: 10307
Joined: 06-28-10
ScrappyMama6
In response to madmatter

  • madmatter Said:
  • Als_Gal Said:
  • kelseymel Said:
  • Als_Gal Said:

Even better no man wants her so she found a girlfriend to put up with her BS lol



What?





She has a girlfriend no man would want her 350 lb butt.



Kim ... I'm sure you didn't mean this the way it sounds, but this statement comes across as very offensive ... if someone is a lesbian, it's not because "no man would want her", it's because that's her sexual preference







THIS


 
Bxr-Linda
Mayor
Posts: 14615
Joined: 05-12-03
Bxr-Linda
In response to Als_Gal

  • Als_Gal Said:
  • Bxr-Linda Said:
Because this is SO bizarre and unbelievable, I have to ask...


Did you *possibly* (perhaps unintentionally) give some indication that you would pay for some of the party expense?

Maybe a year ago, "we're planning a party for Aunt and Uncle X, would you help out?"

"Yeah, sure, let me know..."

You forget about it. Now their way of letting you know is that YOU're paying for the caterer?




I just have to play devil's advocate here...




Linda we just found out about this party 3 weeks ago and we found out on FB she posted about it then the messages started





Just my critical mind working, and trying to come up with a reasonable explanation, because I don't believe any normal person would behave like this.


 
Als_Gal
Guru
Posts: 2710
Joined: 01-06-05
Als_Gal
In response to madmatter

  • madmatter Said:
  • Als_Gal Said:
  • kelseymel Said:
  • Als_Gal Said:

Even better no man wants her so she found a girlfriend to put up with her BS lol



What?





She has a girlfriend no man would want her 350 lb butt.



Kim ... I'm sure you didn't mean this the way it sounds, but this statement comes across as very offensive ... if someone is a lesbian, it's not because "no man would want her", it's because that's her sexual preference




I am sorry for making it sound offensive didn't mean it. But I am serious in the fact that at 32 she has been married 5 times and each time the man left cause he couldn't put up with her. She told us at a family function that she decided to get involved with her girlfriend cause no man wanted to put up with her beauty they were jealous that she was so beautiful and they were ugly.


 
Als_Gal
Guru
Posts: 2710
Joined: 01-06-05
Als_Gal
In response to Bxr-Linda

  • Bxr-Linda Said:
  • Als_Gal Said:
  • Bxr-Linda Said:
Because this is SO bizarre and unbelievable, I have to ask...


Did you *possibly* (perhaps unintentionally) give some indication that you would pay for some of the party expense?

Maybe a year ago, "we're planning a party for Aunt and Uncle X, would you help out?"

"Yeah, sure, let me know..."

You forget about it. Now their way of letting you know is that YOU're paying for the caterer?




I just have to play devil's advocate here...




Linda we just found out about this party 3 weeks ago and we found out on FB she posted about it then the messages started





Just my critical mind working, and trying to come up with a reasonable explanation, because I don't believe any normal person would behave like this.





Linda she is far from normal, she believes that the world revolves around her and that you should be grateful that she allows you in here world lol


 
PokeyMom
Pro
Posts: 1894
Joined: 06-01-06
PokeyMom
In response to Als_Gal

From what you described, it sounds like your cousin suffers from NPD, narcissistic personality disorder aka "emotional vampire", one who s*cks the life out of others by being so demanding and always blaming others, never wrong, can't apologize, etc.

When she was in a rage over your response and her behavior (controlling, influence), that is called a "narcissistic fit". These types of people have difficulties in any and all of their relationships because they are demanding, controlling, self centered, self absorbed and uncaring of others feelings, all behaviors that alienate other people who run for the hills and hide.

I hope that enlightens you about her personality issue.

You handled the situation gracefully.

Wikipedia Definition

NPD characteristics





 
angie girl
Diva
Posts: 6827
Joined: 11-16-07
angie girl
In response to PokeyMom

  • PokeyMom Said:
From what you described, it sounds like your cousin suffers from NPD, narcissistic personality disorder aka "emotional vampire", one who s*cks the life out of others by being so demanding and always blaming others, never wrong, can't apologize, etc.

When she was in a rage over your response and her behavior (controlling, influence), that is called a "narcissistic fit". These types of people have difficulties in any and all of their relationships because they are demanding, controlling, self centered, self absorbed and uncaring of others feelings, all behaviors that alienate other people who run for the hills and hide.

I hope that enlightens you about her personality issue.

You handled the situation gracefully.

Wikipedia Definition

NPD characteristics








So, I assume you have the appropriate medical degree to make this diagnosis???


 
Henri Jean
Queen
Posts: 40615
Joined: 04-25-09
Henri Jean
In response to angie girl

I checked the links you posted - WOW! Sounds like you are right on target! Thanks for posting the links - it was interesting reading.


 
Luvmyfam
Governor
Posts: 22929
Joined: 12-30-05
Luvmyfam
In response to Als_Gal

  • Als_Gal Said:
  • Bxr-Linda Said:
  • Als_Gal Said:
  • Bxr-Linda Said:
Because this is SO bizarre and unbelievable, I have to ask...


Did you *possibly* (perhaps unintentionally) give some indication that you would pay for some of the party expense?

Maybe a year ago, "we're planning a party for Aunt and Uncle X, would you help out?"

"Yeah, sure, let me know..."

You forget about it. Now their way of letting you know is that YOU're paying for the caterer?




I just have to play devil's advocate here...




Linda we just found out about this party 3 weeks ago and we found out on FB she posted about it then the messages started





Just my critical mind working, and trying to come up with a reasonable explanation, because I don't believe any normal person would behave like this.





Linda she is far from normal, she believes that the world revolves around her and that you should be grateful that she allows you in here world lol



I think this is your answer!


 
Permissions Topic Options
2398 Views
Recent Topics