ok... had to participate in this journaling challenge over at oscraps... and my goodness, did i *ever* need this release today. i'm sooooo sorry to be so dramtic... my gosh... lol... i just read back over my journaling. it's just been a long week around here and i think it's going to get worse before it gets better. it's official... the roto virus has, once again, set up camp in our house. i'm taking alyssa to the doctor in the morning (which is March 6... exactly 1 year ago TO THE DAY) from when she spent 3 days in the hospital with the roto virus. (We all got it last year too.) sigh... wish me luck.
JOURNALING: My need for structure makes days like today so difficult. I love having everything in working order. I thrive in doing the same thing at the same time each day. Itís as if it gives me something to look forward to. It must be stability of it that I crave. So as I hold her and she continues to whine and hang on me like dead weight, it throws me completely off course. I want nothing in the world more than to bring comfort to her, to help her stop hurting, to bring her back to her lively self. But nothing I do seems to even change her discomfort. Isnít it like me to feel that itís my fault. Isnít it like me to think to myself, ďYou have no idea what youíre doing.Ē Yet even though my touch or my lullibies donít seem to help her, she continues to reach out her arms and lay her head on my shoulder. I must be doing something right. But isnít it like me to simply think she doesnít know better. Isnít is like me to think my role here is not important, that it was not *really* chosen. Iíve learned more about God in the past couple of years than Iíve ever known, and Iím sure I will continue to learn more. But isnít it like me to question it. Isnít it like me to entertain that little voice in my head that says ďDo you really believe all of this?Ē I believe because I choose to. I believe because there is life around me to which mine is vital. I belieive because there is somthing inside of me that recognizes Him. And isnít it like me to follow? Isnít it like me to turn it into a constant, to depend on that faith and thrive in the stability of it? I sometimes feel like Alyssa does today. He may not always ďfixĒ my problems or hurts, but He loves me through every single one of them. Isnít that like Him?