Resources > Quotes > Humor

Humor Quotes

A foreigner visiting the United States thought 'oakie doakie' was the feminine of 'O.K.' Of course, he was mistaken. The feminine of 'O.K.' is 'maybe.'

A New Year' Resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks you for nothing.

"A squirrel is just a rat with a cuter outfit".

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Be a Flamingo in a world of pigeons

Been there, done that, scrapped a page about it.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Being in love is being stupid together.

Best friends: you fight, I fight. You hurt, I hurt. You cry, I cry. You jump off a bridge, I get a paddle boat and save your retarded butt.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

"Butt it's Art" used for a photo of rear end!

Comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

"Esa niña no soy yo, aunque en Halloween me veré igual que ella".

Food, love, careers, and mothers; the four major guilt groups.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

Half the fun of remembering is the rearranging.

Here's a problem for a P.T.A. discussion: 'Should parents strike back?'

Housework can't kill you. But why take the chance?

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I don't believe in aging. I believe in forever altering ones aspect to the sun.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond".

I only work here!

I pinky promise that when we're old we're gonna be best friends - chasing each other around nursing homes with our motor scooters

I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse.

I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often, but I'm well preserved.

I've always thought that I had to be conscious to enjoy life, but then I took a nap.

"If at first you don't succeed, do it like your mother told you".

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

If God wanted us to bend over, he'd put diamonds on the floor.

If it's the thought that counts, why do we have fingers?

If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane!

If you can't be good, be good at it!

In some families, please is described and the magic word. In out house, however, it was sorry.

Laugh often. At yourself and others!

Laughter burns calories.

Laughter is an instant vacation

Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in, and no one can stop it. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO what a ride!"

Marriage is finding that special someone you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

"Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped".

Money can buy a fine dog...but only love can make him wag his tail.

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

My dog thinks I am HER human instead of her being MY pet

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Nature's wit.

Never miss a good opportunity to shut-up-a-ya-mouth!

No good decision was ever made in a swivel chair.

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

Of all the [cat] toys available, none is better designed than the owner himself. A large multipurpose plaything, its parts can be made to move in almost any direction. It comes completely assembled, and it makes a noise when you jump on it.

"One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory"

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men-- the other 999 follow women.

Only time can heal your broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

People who live in glass houses shouldn't walk around naked

Runs With Decorative Scissors

Sick Minds Think Alike

"Smarter than the average bear" I like this quote b/c I actually use it all the time. It's from one of my favorite movies from childhood and now!

Smile, no one will notice your shoes

So this isn't Home Sweet Home...Adjust!

Some days you feel like the Dog, Others you feel like the hydrante

"The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser -- in case you thought optimism was dead".

"The family is like fudge. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts".

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

The story of a mother's life: Trapped between a scream and a hug.

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

There comes a time in every woman's life when the only thing that helps is a glass of champagne.

There is more to life than being really really ridiculously good looking.... and I plan to find out what that is

This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.

To shorten winter, borrow some money due in Spring.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

What comes around goes around

Where ever you go, there you are.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

You can never have too many books...or cats...or cheese!

You can't scare me -- I have a two year old.

You have to kiss a lot of frogs in order to find your prince.

"you have to let your hair down sometimes, you just have to be careful how low you let it go." mars4554

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

1.IF YOU GO FLYING BACK THROUGH TIME AND YOU SEE SOMEBODY ELSE FLYING FORWARD INTO THE FUTURE,IT'S PROBABLY BEST TO AVOID EYE CONTACT.

14,610 Day Old, but who's counting? (40 yrs) (18,263 = 50 yrs) (21,915 = 60yrs)

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity. 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In-Box." 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds" 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8. Don't use any punctuation ...

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend-and he's a priest.

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but only a true friend will be sitting to you saying... "God, that was fun!"

A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

A little neglect may breed mischief.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

A MAN'S GOT TO DO WHAT A MAN'S GOT TO DO.A WOMAN MUST DO WHAT HE CAN'T

A mighty creature is a germ Though smaller than a pachyderm His childish pride he often pleases By giving people rare diseases And so if you friend feel infirm You probably contain a germ.

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing and the lawn mower is broken.

A place for everything and everything in it's place.

A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG... YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER

A Work Space or A Storage Room?...That is the Question! ;)

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

Adonis? No, but I get that a lot.

Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Age wrinkles the body. Quitting wrinkles the soul.

All good qualities in a child are the result of environment, while all the bad ones are the result of poor heredity on the side of the other parent.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

All the world is a scrapbook... and I know the layout!

All the worlds a stage Kick up your heels

Alway smile life is to short to frown

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

An apple a day is suppose to keep the doctor away, but, I prefer bananas.

an onion a day keeps your friends away.

And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh.

Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly; devils fall because of their gravity.

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is to he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.

Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.

As a beauty I'm not a great star; But, my face I don't mind it, Because I'm behind it; It's the others in front That I jar!

As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family does too.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Beware of those who fall at your feet... they may be reaching for the rug!

Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

Birthdays are like Boogers... the more you have the harder it is to breathe.

Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake.

Blessed are the cracked; for it is they who let in the light.

Blessed are those who laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Boys are God's way of telling you that your house is too neat.

C is for cookie. That's good enough for me."

Can you Imagine a world without men? NO crime and lots of happy, fat women.

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

CHAOS means Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome

Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath.

Cleaning house while the kids are still growing is like shoveling snow while it is still snowing.

Cleaning Your Scrapbooking Room Can Almost Be Like Shopping All Over Again! ;)

Commencement speeches were invented largely in the belief that outgoing college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.

Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

Conciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Cowboy Logic: Don't squat with yer spurs on!

Diamonds aren't a girls best friend, Ben and Jerry are!

DIET, n: The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.

Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.

Do or Do Not . . . There is no Try

Do what you want and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

DO YOU LOVE ME?DO YOU LOVE ME?AFTER 25 YEARS WHY DO YOU ASK ME NOW?

Do your part to make this world a cuter place to live in.

Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe? ~

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

Don't ask.... It seemed like a good idea at the time

Don't go knocking on death's door-- ring the doorbell and run. He hates that.

Don't let your ferns freeze to death, you never know the outcome.

Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today, you can do it again tomorrow.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Don't Worry, Be Scrappy

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Due to the current financial restraints the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off until further notice.

Dust - Dehydrated mud.

Embarrassing my children: Just one more service I offer.

Esta soy yo y mi amiga en Halloween. Yo soy la de la izquierda. La piratesca.

Even a fish wouldn't get into trouble if it kept its mouth shut.

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul--chicken, pork, half a cow. they must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Everyone’s a star and deserves the chance to twinkle.

Everytime I say the word Diet, I eat a piece of chocolate.

Fake it til you make it!

Fart Proudly.

Fat people are harder to kidnap!!

Fate had already thrown in its turning point; the only problem was getting around the curve safely.

Fiddling around won't get you in the orchestra.

For fast-acting relief try slowing down. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework. I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain. I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. . If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well viewed.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent Condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookie of life!

Friends will pick you up when you fall...but BEST friends will push you back down and laugh.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

God created liquor to keep the Irish from conquering the world

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.

God made dirt and dirt don't hurt

God must love stupid people. He made so many.

God save the Queen...(and we'll take care of her breath)

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

Growing Old Is Mandatory... Growing Up Is Optional!

Happy people are the fizz in the soda of life.

He that is of a merry heart hath a continual feast.

He that rideth the fence, ripeth his pants!

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

He who lives in the fast lane, gets to the toll booth first.

Here I Am! Now what are your other two wishes?

Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.

Humor is a universal language.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

I am a Heightened Listener and Expedient Communicator. (aka Town Gossip)

I am not young enough to know everything.

I can't cook. I use a smoke alarm as a timer

I can't dance and I'm too fat to fly!

I child-proofed my house, but they still get in.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

I do know all the answers, but I've been sworn to secrecy.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

I don't give a fig!

I don't have a short attention span,I just.... Oh look,a kitty!!

I don't suffer from insanity...I enjoy every minute of it!

I don't try to be a sex bomb, I am one.

I find you pompous, judgemental and completely self absorbed. Would you be my friend?

I had a dream about reality. It was such a relief to wake up.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I have a fine sense of ridiculous, but no sense of humor.

I have learned that a pretty large chunk of adult life (at least the office part) is spent battling office machines. They are formidable opponents.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

I haven't committed a crime. What i did was fail to comply with the law.

I intend to live forever-so far so good.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I know God only gives us as much as we can handle. I just wish he did not have so much faith in me!

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2000 of something.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I love giving homemade gifts. Which one of my children would you like?

i love those moments i like to wave at them as they pass by

I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that

I may not be much to look at, but I'm fun to watch!

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included."

I OWE MY MOTHER 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, ! that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taug...

I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon!

i scrap so i do not snap

I scrapbook therefore, I am. Author: Hopefully just me

I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

I thought he was a knight in shining armor...but he ended up being my dork in aluminum foil.

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted a paycheck.

I tried yoga, but I find stress less boring.

I try not to argue with my wife, I might win, and then I’d really be in trouble!!!!!!!!

I TRY TO TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME,BUT SOMETIMES SEVERAL DAYS ATTACK ME AT ONCE.

I use to have an open mind...but my brains kept falling out.

I used to be normal, until I met these stupids I call my BFF

I used to have a handle on life - then it broke off.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

I was going to use that sticker...but they don't know the Hello Kitty side of me!

I will conquer my procrastination problem...Just you wait!

I will stop putting things off. I start tomorrow!

I wish I was a glow worm, A glow worm's never glum. 'Cus how can you be grumpy, When the sun shines out your bum!

I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'd gladly eat a network executive or a politician.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

I'm a beautician, not a magician!

I'm Lost. I've Gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back, PLEASE ask me to wait.

I'm not a complete idiot--Some parts are missing!

I'm not aging, I just need repotting!

I'm not bossy! I just have better ideas.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

I'm not in denial, I'm just selective about the reality I choose to accept.

I'm Not Speeding, I'm Qualifying

I'm not tense. Just terribly, terribly alert.

I'm sick of being my wife's arm candy.

I'm so far behind that I think I'm ahead!

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen.

If (Messy Baby) is equal to (Happy Baby), is (Messy Scrap room) equal to (Happy Scrapper)?

If a bird can fly, why can't a fly bird?

If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out its nose?

If a man speaks in a desert, and no women are around to hear him, is he still wrong?

IF AM NOT SCRAPPING AM WORKING SO SAD

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If at first you don't succeed... destroy all evidence that you tried!

If I ever die of a heart attack, I hope it will be from playing my stereo too loud.

if mamma is not happy then the whole house is not happy ......

If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat.

If people were expected to pop out of bed, we’d all sleep in toasters.

If the #2 pencil is so great, why is it still #2?

If you always do what interests you, at least one person is pleased.

If you can't convince em'...confuse em'.

If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten.

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.

If you obey all the rules, you'll miss out on all the fun!

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and man.

If you see a nurse smiling when things go wrong, she is probably going off duty.

If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.

If you think you have lost people, pets, uncashed paychecks or gift cards in your space... ...it's definitely time to 'severely' clean & purge!

If you wanna hear God laugh, tell Him your plans.

If you want to be seen stand up if you want to be heard speak up if you want to be appreciated SHUT UP!

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.

Imagination was given to us to compensate for what we are not; a sense of humor was given to us to console us for what we are.

In Pig Years I'd be a football

In times like these it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.

Indecision may or may not be my problem.

Ingenious humans are rarely tidy and tidy humans are rarely ingenious.

Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the heck happened.

Instant gratification takes too long.

Integrity is not something you can buy. If you could, then you don't have it!

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

It is a small world, but I would not want to paint it! Submitted by Manasseh Bailey

It is often as sacred to laugh as it is to pray.

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.....

It's a phrase that the kids used and my daughter used on me. "This is an A and B conversation so C your way out!"

It's hard to raise a family especially in the morning.

It's hard to walk in a single woman's shoes, that's why we have to buy really special ones every now and then to make the walk a little easier.

It's not the winning, it's the tearing apart that counts. Said to my son after watching South Africa beat USA 64-15 in the Rugby World Cup 2007 on 20 Sept 2007

It's what on the inside that counts, not the outside

Just because you moved to the South and had kids don't expect us to consider them Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven we wouldn't call them biscuits.

Just becouse I have a short intension span,doesnt mean you....Hi there

Just keep scrapping, scrapping, scrapping!

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came tomorrow.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.

Laugh at yourself before anyone else can.

Laughing 100 times a day is a good, healthful goal.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Laughter is the best medicine.

laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

learn from the past,look forward to the future,live for the PRESENTS

Life is hard;it's harder if you're stupid!

Life is just one damn thing after another.

Life is too important to take seriously.

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Life's short, play naked!

Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body; but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out shouting “Who-whee…what a ride”!

Live so you wouldn't be afraid to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

Look where it is and if it isn't there, it's lost.

LOVE AT THE LIPS WAS TOUCH AS SWEET AS I COULD BEAR;AND ONCE THAT SEEMED TOO MUCH.I LIVED ON AIR......

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.

Love is like a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots.

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.

Make Dirt Your Friend

Make sure you got clean underwear, she always said, in case you get in an accident & I always figured that'd be the least of my worries, but now I'm older & I see there's a lot you can't control & some you can control & clean underwear is one of those you can. For the most part.

mama said there would be days like this

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. The best mind-altering drug is the truth. The phone company handles 84 billion calls a year, everything from kings, queens, and p...

man who run in front of the car gets tired; man who run behind the car gets exhausted.

Masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting.

Maybe if God had said, "I have ten suggestions for you to live by," we could understand the practicality of what Moses brought down from the mountain.

Men are like cheese and fine wine, so much better when mature.

Men are like fish...They get in trouble when they open their mouths!

Men, Coffee and chocolate are all better rich!

Money’s a horrid thing to follow, but a charming thing to meet.

Most women are not so young as they are painted.

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.

My Husband, the "not-so-handy" handyman

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

My mother always said if you want something done right, do it yourself.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

My wife comes with instructions. Lots of instructions.

My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

never eat more than you can lift

Never eat more then you can lift

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Never knock on deaths door,ring the door bell than run away.He hates that.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Never play leap-frog with a unicorn.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never say you don't know - nod wisely, leave calmly, then run like hell to find the nearest expert.

Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn’t try it on.

No clock is more regular than the belly

No room in my life for stupid

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Normal-Define Normal. Who is normal? Everyone has their own interpretation of normal. Never assume one is normal over yourself. Normal is whatever you want it to be for yourself.

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.

Nothing says I love you like clean underware.

Now this is even more messed up than a football bat

Now this is even more messed up than a soup sandwich

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY... I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME

Old age ain't no place for sissies.

On pregnancy: "I cough, therefore I pee..."

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

One woman's Titanic is another woman's Love Boat.

Only a TRUE PRINCESS could get away with as much as I do!

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast. . .

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

Papercrafters never make mistakes. They just find an opportunity for embellishment.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.

people who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.

Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely... but it rocks absolutely too!

PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

Put your big girl panties on and deal with it.

Quick! Hide all the chocolate in my mouth.

Regardless of what others say, my tendency to overreact and lose all perspective makes me a theatrically interesting person.

Relationships are like restaurants, you don't stop eating out just because you got a bad meal in one.

Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

Research tells us that fourteen out of any ten individuals like chocolate.

Sabbath is a time for rest, and my husband does that best!

Savor the moments that are warm and special and giggly

Scrapbooking is cheaper than a therapist.

Scrapbooking isn't just my hobby...It's an Obsession!!

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

So many hats and only one head!

so many moods - so little time

So much to do and so many things to distract me

Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts

Somebody's boring me; I think it's me.

Sometimes I think I understand everything... then I regain consciousness.

Sometimes I Wonder..."Why is that frisbee getting bigger?"...and then it hits me.

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. Almond Joy has nuts, I won't.

Sometimes your the dog, sometimes your the hydrant!

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them.

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands --- and then eat just one of the pieces.

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands--and then eat just one of those pieces.

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands--and then just eat one of the pieces.

SWEATER, n: Garment worn by a child when it's mother is feeling chilly.

Sweater,n.: garment worn by a child when its mother is feeling chilly.

Take time every day to do something ridiculous.

Take time everyday to do something silly.

Ten Lashes with a Wet Noodle!

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

The best man for the job is a woman.

The buck stops here!

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only far more expensive.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out his nose.

The most important things in life are not things...

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

The nice part about living in a small town; When you don't know what you're doing someone else does.

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.

The person who can bring the spirit of laughter into a room is indeed blessed.

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all, you begin to sound like a five-year-old.

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.

The trouble with the rat race is even if you win you are still a rat.

The world is mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful.

Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her, If you can bounce high; bounce high for her Till she cries "Lover, gold-hatted, high-bouncing lover, I must have you!"

There are no nice clowns, only clowns with agendas.

There are really only three types of people: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who say, "What happened?"

there are two kinds if people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. try to be in the first group- there is lest competition there

There is a fine line between hobby and mental illness.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

There is no such thing as "fun for the whole family."

There was a little girl, Who had a little curl, Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, She was very good indeed, But when she was bad she was horrid.

They say God only gives you what you can handle. Well, I must be made of steal.

They say I have A.D.D. but they just don't understand. Oh Look! A chicken!

Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.

This I know for sure...you'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast-and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt-because every sixty seconds you spend upset, is a minute of happiness you'll never get back

This is not a democracy, it's a monarchy and I am Queen!

Three wise men... Be serious.

To avoid stress at home-wear pearls and high heels-June Cleaver always looked great!

To do is to be. To be is to do. So do be do be do be do.

too many of us are spending money we haven't earned to buy things we don't need to impress people we don't like

Too many pictures can spoil a layout just like to many calories spoil the ice cream.

URBAN COWBOY, n: One who is typically all hat and no cow.

Wanna see a Magic Act? ..... ........ .............. Sit me down in front of this Computer and watch the DAY DISSAPEAR!!!

we are given two ends- one to sit on and the other to think with. success depends on which one we use the most.

We don't skinny dip, we chunky dunk!

We have a strange and wonderful relationship ... he's strange, and I'm wonderful.

We never really grow up, we just learn how to act in public.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

We were born crying... we must learn to laugh.

WE'RE ALL HERE BECAUSE WE'RE NOT ALL THERE.

Wear cute pajamas, you'll never know who you'll meet in your dreams.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. CALL (ANY NAME HERE)

Wedding presents always come in pairs: two toasters, two blenders, two umbrella stands.

What is committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

What you see here, my friends, is the result of a lifetime of Chocolate"

When all else fails, blame Teddy

When all else fails, blame the dog.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

When in doubt, take a bath.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!!

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

When my memory goes.... Please help me find my Scrapbook.

When the center of the universe is discovered, many people will be surprised to find that they are not it.

When we ask for advice we are usually looking for an accomplice

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

When you die, if you get a choice between regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmm boy.

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

Where does the white go when the snow melts?

Who needs clothes when you can scrap in your underwear!

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why isn't there MOUSE flavored cat food?

Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?

Wisdom has two parts: having a lot to say, and not saying it.

Women are meant to be loved, not understood.

Work is the drinking man's curse.

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!

Ya gotta be tough if your gonna be dumb!

Yer not much if yer not Dutch!

You "crack" me up. for use on a butt crack page

You are never fully dressed until you wear a smile.

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop-off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get off the merry-go-round!

you better check yourself-before you wreck yourself

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"

you can't have everything... where would you put it?

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.

You know what Moses told everyone after God said he was the most humble man on this earth?? He said "hey, everybody, God said I was the most humble man on the earth!!" I guess he wasn't so humble after all

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

You laugh at me becouse Im different,I laugh at you becouse your all the same

You must suffer to be beautiful.

You're just jealous because the voices talk to ME!

You're speechless, I see. A fine quality in a wife.

“Tis no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

View Humor Related Products

Contribute Resources

Add your tips, poems, quotes, or title ideas to share with other members.

Add A Resource