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TanishaRenee
September 2, 2007

Rebirth

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This LO is for week 7 of the Summer of ScrapLovin Challenge. The assignment was to create a LO using a self-portrait, journaling, and paint.

I printed my journaling on a transparency and then painted the back and edges. I painted the title letters and the edges of most of the elements on the LO including the photo and I stamped with paint.

quote: "There's a rebirth that goes on with us continuously as human beings". -Dustin Hoffman

journaling: So far, this year has been a bad year – well maybe not the whole year, just the one major event that placed a black cloud over the rest of the year. I lost my baby May 1, 2007 at 15 weeks 1 day gestation. It has been by far the worst experience in my life. The even harder part is that for 3 weeks prior to the actual loss, I knew it was going to happen. Do you know how hard it was to walk around with this knowledge while all everyone wanted to talk about was the baby? “How are you feeling?” “Do you want a boy or a girl?” “Are you excited?” Of course I went along, though barely because as far as I was concerned I still had a chance for everything to be OK. If I only prayed and hoped hard enough the doctors would tell me that there had been a big mistake. But deep down I knew that wasn’t going to happen, I could feel that something was wrong. I prayed anyway, harder than I’ve ever prayed for anything in my life and I pleaded…boy did I plead! And the tears…I cried more tears than ever in my life. This was my first heartbreak and let me tell you, it hurt like hell. I can remember one day crying alone in my house and the sound that I heard reverberating off of my walls made me stop and listen and then I cried even harder because the sound that I heard was so sad and miserable that I couldn’t believe it was coming from me! What did I ever do to deserve so much pain? I’ve always tried to live life right, I’m normally kind to others…so why me? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked that question.

So May 1st was the day. The day that I walked into Pennsylvania Hospital to have my baby girl removed from my womb. Yep that’s right, it was a girl, just what I had always wanted…one boy and one girl. I felt like God was playing a horrible practical joke on me. I felt like maybe I had done something so horribly wrong in a past life that I had to pay for it now! Why me!? Everyone kept attempting to console me by telling me God allows things to happen for a reason. Well what was the reason for this? Why would God want my heart to hurt so badly?

May 1st was also the day that I decided to stop crying. It wasn’t going to help or change things anyway. Plus I needed to do so for my own sanity. I still think about it every single day; today I would have been 32 weeks…that’s really pregnant. My estimated date of delivery was October 22, 2007. I’ve given myself permission to have an emotional outburst on this day, if I feel it’s necessary. So if I decide to call out of work and stay in the bed crying all day, then I’ll do just that! If I decide to find a funny movie and laugh until I split my sides, then I’ll do just that. If I decide to scream, curse, and punch something, then I’ll do just that. As long as it doesn’t cause any harm to myself or anyone else. The one condition is I get just one day for my outburst and then…I move on.

Looking on the brighter side, something positive has come out of this situation. I’ve grown a much greater appreciation for Donovan and Troy; they both helped me get through this. Donovan made me realize that I still had a purpose in this life, I am his mommy after all and he needed me to take care of him. Troy was my rock through all of this; although he was hurting too, he was my shoulder to cry on and the only person who truly understood my pain! This has tragedy made us a stronger couple. I’ve always thought I was a strong woman, but now I know I am! I made it through a situation that I though would have crushed me, but it hasn’t. I didn’t like feeling that sad, so I started laughing again. I still mourned my loss, but I had to get back to being Tanisha so that I didn’t lose sight of myself! I’m doing much better now and we’ve decided to try again. As a matter of fact I took a test the other day, actually 3 in about a 10 day period, not because I didn’t believe the results, but I was reading it wrong – silly me. I don’t dare to get excited yet, though. I know the doctors said I have less than a 1% chance of the same occurrence, but they don’t know my luck. Plus there are a few similarities as last time. I keep telling myself that I can’t allow the tragedy of one pregnancy to steal the joy from any others and I won’t. I just need to make it past a certain point before I can allow myself to get excited, so for now it’s our little secret. I’m not going to worry about it either. I’ve decide to take on a “whatever will be, will be” mind set.
journalled August 27-28, 2007


layouts scrapbooking rebirth
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