Journaling Reads: My Sweet Livy, It has been nearly 12 long years since I held you in my arms for the first and last time. I remember how tiny you were and how ten of your little hands could have fit into mine. Every time I look into the face of one of your siblings , I see you peaking out at me. I still can picture your big chocolate brown eyes and tiny midnight black curls as clear as day; as if I had just lost you yesterday. You would be almost a teen ager today. It hardly seems possible. Every time I lay down to go to sleep, I feel that flutter in my stomach from when you moved. Every time I wake up in the middle of the night, I can almost hear you crying. I never got tohear the sound of your voice, but I feel like I should know it. I went to the lake where you are buried to be as close to you as I could today. Even though I'm sure it looked crazy, I laid down next to you. I could have stayed like that for hours, regardless of the ground being moist from the melting snow. What I wanted to do most of all was to hold you in my arms one more time. When I carried you, I was so young and scared. Yet I was so excited. I hope you remember me reading you stories. I hope you remember that I would poke my belly when you kicked really hard. I would talk to you all the time, whispering sweet nothing to you. All I wanted was to watch you grow and help you experience all the amazing things life has to offer. I don't know why you were taken away from me. I use to blame myself for not going to all the doctors appointments I should have while pregnant with you. For hiding my pregnancy for so long. I know now it wasn’t my fault, that you were just too perfect for this earth. I don't know why I feel like I'm missing someone every time I get in the car to go to the grocery store. Sometimes I look around thinking that I lost one of my children. I did, but not during the shopping trip. The hole that was left in my heart is still there. Nothing will ever replace the love I have for you. That horrible day replays in my head all the time. I remember your last kicks. I remember waking up and knowing you were gone even though you were still inside me. I remember the doctors telling me you were gone, and even though I knew deep down inside I did not want to believe it was true. I remember not wanting to push, wanting to hold you inside of me as long as I could; if even for only a few more minutes. I feel like I let you down somehow. I feel like I didn't fight for you enough. When I look at your siblings I remember my lack of judgment. I won't make that same mistake again. You are the reason that I keep pushing on. You are my angel in Heaven. I feel like you have protected your siblings for the last 12 years and I know you will continue to protect them. Te Amo, mi angel…mi bebita.
Forever and always, Mommy
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