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Elleanne
January 4, 2008

Here's to the Tough Stuff

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Ok... So this is much more of a journal entry than a scrapbook layout, but I don't keep a journal and as sad is it may seem my friends here are the best friends I have, so... here it is... straight.from.my.heart.1.4.2008

oh! And there is a word in here that I never use, but I could only think of one other one and I don't use that one either and it was even worse, so please forgive the language, but I wanted it to be totally what I was thinking. totally real...




God has blessed me with the love of my life and the oportunity to be a step mother. In this I have found great joy. I want to treasure every moment, cherish every feeling, and give thanks for all it entails. I could ignore the imperfections and only recognize what’s “pretty”. But I don’t want to. Because this new life, this new family... it means so much to me that I don’t want any part of it to be lost. I want, twenty years from now, to remember clearly everything that happened - every stumbling block and every stepping stone that built the story of us. And, in that spirit, I choose to go there. So... HERE’S TO THE TOUGH STUFF...

There is one thing about my new life that has been very difficult for me. Nate’s ex. The boys’ biological mother. Sigh... It’s hard. It hurts. Just the fact that she was with him. She was with my Nate. For 10 years she was with him and I was not. I hate that. I
love the boys. I hate that they are hers and not mine. I wish... I wish... But I know that wishing cannot undo or redo... so I try to let it go. I hate that I will always be second to her in their eyes. I hate that I feel like the consolation prize. I hate that they are happy and perfectly fine with me until she makes one of her rare telephone calls or appearances. And then, when she disappears again... I am left to pick up the peices of their broken hearts. But it isn’t me they want. It’s her. Because at those moments they remember I’m not her. So I hold them and I listen as they cry. I brush their tears away and tell them it’s ok to be sad or mad or whatever they’re feeling. It’s ok to cry or be quiet or whatever they need to do. I tell them I know I’m not her, but that I am here for them. I tell them I love them and they can always talk to me, that I’m a safe place and I’m not going away. But I know... It’s a band aid. I’m just a fill in. I tell them I won’t try to take her place, and I won’t. But the truth is, in my heart. I want to so badly. I want to be “Mamma.” I want to be the real thing. I hate that “Step”, that damned prefix... I will never try to make them call me anything they don’t want to. I understand that I am here for them. They are not here for me. It’s about their needs, not mine. I don’t want to be forced on them the same way that their mother was wripped away from them - totally outside of their control. But, oh... it hurts sometimes. It’s not that I don’t want the daily work... I do. I love them and I love taking care of them. But to do all that... to comfort them and feed them, to hold them and teach them... to cry with them and laugh with them... to help them with their
homework and go to parent/teacher conferences... to be so close but so far away from what I’ve dreamed... It’s really hard sometimes. I just don’t understand. If you aren’t able or willing to be the parent a child needs... if you can’t be a positive part of their lives... why can’t you just stay away? I know it may sound like I’m trying to get what’s best for me, and it’s true... her staying away would be best for me. But if she is going to be the way she is... her staying away is what’s best for them too. It may sound like I’m complaining, but I’m not. Even if I fully understood how much this would hurt sometimes... I still would have done everything exactly the same. In a heartbeat. I love them. I love my new family and they are worth any “tough stuff” I have to face. I have learned in life that sadness only makes joy sweeter and tears often water seeds within ourselves that help us grow. So... I embrace this pain. I thank God for it, and I wouldn’t trade it for any joy. Because I would rather cry with Nate than laugh with anyone else in this world, and I will gladly be the boys’ consolation prize if it means they have what they need. So as this day ends, this day when I found out she is coming back to visit... I will kiss the boys goodnight, curl up beside my man, and give thanks for everything... Exactly as it is.


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