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*Based on the book 8 Simple Rules for dating my daughter. I made some changes to this & added my own flair. :)

Dear Loser,

That's right I'm talking to you. You are the moron that is interested in my daughter. I'm sure you come from a fine family and you are a nice boy, however, what you need to realize is that no one is good enough for her. Not you or anyone else for that matter. So please do not get your feelings all hurt when I lovingly address you or any other boy interested in her as an idiot or moron.

Most boys are taught in life to have a little fear for a girl's father, but I must tell you that in this house, you need to fear me – mom.

She can't date for a while, but when she can, I assure you, I will be watching you and any other idiot that looks her way with laser piercing eyes of protection. When we give her our blessing and she decides to give some moron a chance, we have a few rules in place that you need to be aware of.

1. If you have any tattoos or body piercing, you can stop reading now. There's the door.
2. Everything that is important to her is to be kept as is. Keep her happy. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
3. If she keeps you waiting, do something constructive with your time like cleaning my kitchen.
4. I do not wish to chit chat with you about your job, clothes or SAT score. I just want to know where you are taking my daughter and that you will have her home on time if not early. You are to give me these complete honest answers all while looking me straight in the eye.
5. I don't care how you cut your hair, but I need to see your eyes when you are looking at mine.
6. I don't care about what you think about fashion, but when you come to *my home to take out *my daughter, you will be dressed appropriately. You will wear clothes that fit and never under any conditions even begin to try this new “gangstah” thing. You will fail.
7. You may only take her to places that we have approved of such as: -funerals -church -church events -her grandparent's -cold places that would require her to wear several layers of clothing -the nursing home -places that are fully lit or during day light hours -anywhere there is law enforcement, ministers or monks
8. We have taught our daughter that abstinence is the only way and I'm sure you learned in Sex-Ed that sex kills. I assure you that this is true. If you try anything with my daughter, I will kill you. Simple.
9. You will knock on the door and greet the family when you pick her up. You will not stay in your car and honk. Unless your name is UPS, this is unacceptable.
10. You will open her doors and pay her way to any of the approved places and give her all the respect that she deserves. Chivalry is not dead, but you will be if you do not show it.

Signed,
The management


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